Note: This is copied from somewhere, and I can no longer find the reference. If someone has the original article I'd love to properly cite it. It's funny anyway, just be sure that I'm not this funny.
That's acronym-ese for "We Have A Problem! Good Acronyms Are All Gone!" Acronyms are easy for any kid who knows his ABCs. But which ABCs? Atanasoff-Berry Computer? Automatic Bill Calling? Airborne Battlefield Computer? Activity Based Costing? Agent-Based Computing? Aerospace Basic Course? Approval By Correspondence? Automatic Bar Code? Airborne Communications? Army Battle Command?
This is just the sort of thing I deal with all day at work. In government, everything is an acronym. Add to that the fact that I am an electrical engineer, and electrical engineers are lazy by nature and abbreviate everything, and you have a Real Problem - RP - but not a Rapid Prototype, Recommended Practice, Reuse Project, or Remote Pilot.)
It's a real alphabet SEWP (Scientific Workstation Procedurement, not to be confused with SEWC - the Space and Electronic Warfare Commander, or SEMP - the Systems Engineering Management Plan) out there.
A quick example: Asynchronous Transfer Mode is a high speed voice and data network - people who use it call it ATM, but Doing So (DS is a Digital System, Development System, Distributed System, Design System, Data System, Directory System, Dictionary System, Distribution System, Detection System, Defense System, Deposit System, Dynamic System, Dynamic Simulation, Dynamic Skeleton, Dynamic Situation, Digital Service, Digital Synthesizer, Digital Signature, Digital Speech, Digital Sense, Digital Scene, Data Service, Data Storage, Data Simulation, Data Segment, Database Specification, Design Stability, Destination Service, Double Sided, Defense Software, Digital Scan, Display Station, Delivered Source, Dedicated Security, Distributed Storage, Deep Space, Deployment Schedule, and more) might Inadvertantly DIsappOinT (IDIOT) those who hope that it will dispense cash from your CD-ROM drive. Not Yet, Anyway (NYA). Thank Heavens (TH) ATM won out over the Canadian ISDN standard, Basic Rate Access (BRA).
"MS" means Microsoft. Or Millisecond. Marine Systems. Marine Safety. Material Safety. Material Support. Mission Support. Mission Specific. Management of Software. Major Subordinate. Message Store. Milestone. Most
Significant. Modem Sharing. Mobile Subscriber. Modeling and Simulation. Multisensor. Multispectrum. Metered Services. Message Security. Minimum Security. Maximum Security. Miniature Satellite.
But the Absolute Worst For Used-up Lingo (AWFUL): "PC;" there are more than listed here, but I got sick of tracking them down: Procurement Center, Procurement Contract, Principal Contract, Prime Contractor, Primary Cause, Physical Configuration, Physical Connect, Politically Correct, Posturally Correct, Permit Compliance, Personal Conferencing, Program Coordinator, Program Change, Program Compliance, Program Cost, Program Control, Production Control,
Parts Control, Private Control, Process Control, Process Controller, Process Change, Program Counter, Pulse Code, Posix Conformance, Photochemical, Photoconductive, Pocket Calculator, Principal Consultant, Printed Circuit, Project Coordinator, Password Call, Policy Creation, Policy Certification, Portable Command, Paging Channel, Peripheral Component, Protocol Council, Protocol Capability, Printer Command, Plug Compatible, President's Council, Packet Circuit, Personal Capability, Probability of Correct, Production Change, and Protected Communication.
Oh -- I almost forgot -- Personal Computer.
Careful Problem Analysis (PA ... or is that Price and Availability? Programmer/Analyst? Program Authorization? Privacy and Authentication? Partial Agreement? Preparing Activity? Pass Along? Product Assurance? Public Address?) ... wait, I got sidetracked. Let's Try Again (TA ... Technical Architecture? Transfer Agent? Traffic Analysis? Target Acquisition? Travel Authorization?):
Careful And Constructive Analysis (CACA) leads me to conclude that the fault, Dear Readers (DR; not Data Requirement, Decision Review, Deficiency Report, or Disaster Recovery), lies not in our acronyms but our alphabet. It's just Too Darn Short (TDS ... Technical Data Storage? Time and Date Stamp?). Only
23,700,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 acronym possibilities; the Department Of Defense (DOD, but not Direct Outward Dialing) probably invented that many Last Week (LW).
If Over Acronymization (OA ... not Obligation Authority, Office Automation, Operational Assessment, Office of the Administrator, ...) is a Problem for Overworked Computer Operators (POCO; Proof of Concept; Point of Contact; Public Operator's Code...), it's worse when you network. Computer Programmers (CP ... or Ceiling Protocol, Certificate Policy, Change Proposal, Command Post, Conditional Priority, Crypto Peripheral) don't speak in English; they do it in MIME (Multipurpose Internet Mail Extensions). And Speaking of Protocols (SP is a Security Plan? Security Protocol? Software Product?), X (as in X.25, X.400, X.500) should only be used to mark the spot, or videos you can't show your children.
If you're a FED Using Personal computers in a network (FEDUP ... not to be confused with FEDEP, the Federal Execution and Development Process), forget it. If you're asked for "NT," do you install MS' New Technology (or N-Ten) operating system, Network Termination, or Naval Telecommunications?
Working at the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration? Fund Administering Activity? Functional Analysis/Allocation?) is the lazy EE's (Electrical Engineer's) dream ... or nightmare. After all, why Say Something (SS ... not Signaling System, System Specification, Subsystem Specification, Segment Specification, Selective Service ...) when you can Abbreviate It (AI ... Action Item? Inherent Availability? Adapter Interface? Air Interface? Application Interface? Automatic Indexing? Analog Input? Um ... Artificial Intelligence?) After All (AA ... Achieved Availability, Audit Agent, Automatic Answer, Attack Assessment, Approval Authority), what better way to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity than disguising your thoughts in an intimidating and Impenetrable Fog (IF ... Intermediate Frequency, Interface, Intelligence Fusion, Information Flow, Industrial Fund) of abbreviations?
Some acronyms are terribly APpropriaTe (APT). "Broad Agency Anouncement" (BAA) and "Base Standards" (BS) speak for themselves. And what happens when you tell your boss of a problem? A FRACAS (Failure Reporting, Analysis, and Corrective Action System) ensues.
Some are INAPpropriaTe (INAPT). Digital Research Inc.'s Graphical Environment Manager, a graphical user interface, wasn't such a GEM next to oh, say, MacOS or Windows. Are people who use the Tower Operator Training System (TOTS) childlike? Is the existence of an Anti-trust Management Information System a sign of something AMIS? And why did Apple Computer name it's Apple III Operating System (OS ... Open Source? Open System? Offensive System? Operational Suitability? Operational Sustainability? Operational Station? Operations and Support? Operations and Sustainment? Outfitting Support? Official Standard? Organization Standard? Office of the Secretary? Ocean Surveillance?) "SOS?" Hmmm ... maybe that one was appropriate...
Is there a solution? Of Course (OC: Optical Carrier)! Don't have a COW (Channel Order Wire, Chief Of the Watch). The Solution is Easy (SE? Second Edition? Support Equipment? Science and Engineering? System Engineer?). It should just be illegal to Create, Use, or Posses (CUP, but not a COMSEC Utility Program) an acronym. Period. I don't know what an Appropriate Punishment (AP; Acquisition Plan, Acquisition Program, Active/Passive, Adjunct Professor, Anomalous Propagation, Approval Procedures, Automation Planning, Access Protocol, Analysis Paper, Application Processor, Application Protocol, Array Processor, Adaptive Packet, Advanced Processor, All Points, Arithmetic Process) might be, but I've always wanted to see someone Drawn and Quartered (DQ ... Distributed Queue, Differential Quadrature, uh ... Dairy Queen). Otherwise we'll all just have to ADAPT (Architecture Design, Analysis and Planning Tool) to never knowing what anyone is talking about.